She could have been a police woman.
She could have been that…

She could have been a career woman.
She could have been that..

She could have been the security.
She could have been a preacher.
She could have been a completely stranger….
She could have been anything.

I just have to wait…

how come i did not realize that …. she did not love me at all… how come i did not realize that even a bit?…

i have to let go…. let go let go let go….

—

i sing it one last time for you…

then we really have to go…

you’ve been the only thing that’s right,

in all i’ve done…

and i cant barely look at you,

but every single time i do,

i know we’d make it anyway, away from here…

light up light up, as if you have a choice, even if you cannot hear my voice, i’d be rite beside you dear…

Louder louder, and we’ll run for our lives.

i can hardly speak i understand. .. why… you cannot raise your voice to say….

to think i might not see those eyes

makes it so hard not to cry

and as we say our long goodbyes, i nearly do…

light up light up, as if you have a choice, even if you cannot hear my voice, i’d be rite beside you dear…

Louder louder, and we’ll run for our lives.

i can hardly speak i understand. .. why… you cannot raise your voice to say….
slower, slower,

we dont have time for that.

all i want is to find an easier way, to get out of our little heads…

have hearts, my dear.

we’re bound to be afraid. even if it’s just for a few days.

making up for all this mess….

———-

habis dayaku, menghadapi keheninganmu.

melawan rasa rindu yang menggebu

yang menetes seperti derasnya air hujan, sekencang tiupan angin laut.

habis dayaku, melawan imajinasiku.

imanjinasiku tentang keberadaanmu. tentang senyawamu,

yang kuharap dapat kusentuh, dan kukasihi dengan tulus…

namun sungguh,

walau tak dapat kunikmati, khayal tentang keberadaanmu, tetap bertahta indah, di sebuah sudut hati…

habis dayaku. melawan hampa rasamu.

berjuang akan cintaku, untuk sedikit ruang dalam hatimu.. 

menyentuh sepercik kebahagiaanmu..

mendapatkan bagian dalam keabadianmu..

tapi sungguh kusadari, takkan kudapatkan semua itu, karna hampa rasamu..

Satu minggu kebelakang, gw diserang sama penyakit combo 2-in-1, bertajuk Demam berdarah dan typus. yang rasanya nggak enak bangetttt!

karena penyakit itu gw dirawat di rumah sakit selama satu minggu. sebenernya, 2 hari sebelum gw dirawat badan ini udah nggak enak banget rasanya, tetapi harus tetap berkarya karna ada acara retreat. Setelah acara retreat selesai, barulah diriku tepar di rumah sakit.

Pada saat virus2nya menyerang, rasanya badan ini semua sakiiiiiiit banget. dan di tengah kesakitan itu, gw jadi merenung: what did i got prior to this? apakah yang sebegitu berharganya yang sudah aku dapat yang sesuai dengan harga kesakitan yang harus gw bayar. Jawabannya tentu nggak ada sesuatu yang berarti. dan entah karna jawaban yang tidak memuaskan diri sendiri, atau karna rasa sakit yang begitu merajalelanya, atau memang gabungan keduanya, yang gw ingat pada saat itu gw MARAH! marah sama keadaan dan marah sama diri gw sendiri.

i mean, ini memang komitment dari awal sih. ini pelayanan. dan gw rasa emang gw kecapkean dari semua yang gw lakukan sehari-hari yang emang merupakan tugas gw. kerjaan gw. memang hal yang harus gw lakukan untuk hidup.

udah nih saking marahnya, gw tidur..

keesokan harinya, Mba Shanti, bu hanny, mba Sophie dan Novi jenguk siang2.. kemudian sorenya Emilya dan geng membesuk juga. followed by bang indra, bang nando and the gang, and ibu2 dari Pesona temennya mama juga pada jenguk. even sasha, nginep nemenin gw di rumah sakit.

nggak hanya berhenti disana, hari minggu Olga Iwan Kenny Ryan dan Rumpi juga ikutan membesuk. gooossshhh.

dan dari sana gw tau kalo gw dikasihi sama temen2 gw. Mungkin dibesuk is not a big deal, cuma gw senang mengetahui kalo gw dikasihi. oleh orang-orang at my surroundings.

Terus, dari buku Joyce Meyer yang barusan gw baca, dibilang kalo apa yang kita terima dari orang lain merupakan hasil perbuatan kita yang berasal dari hati kita. oleh karena itu kita harus mempunyai hati yang benar.

Then gw menyimpulkan mungkin ini bisa menjawab kemarahan gw yang beberapa hari lalu. Apapun yang kita lakukan, kalau kita lakukan dengan hati yang benar, yang tulus, yang sungguh-sungguh, akan membuahkan hasil. hasilnya mungkin tidak kasat mata dan instant, tetapi pasti membuahkan hasil. or atleast berkesan di hati orang lain..

sekarang gw senang. Senang karna gw mendapatkan kesempatan untuk meninggalkan bekas di hati orang lain. melalui pelayanan.

dan gw bercita-cita untuk selalu melakukan segala hal dnegan hati yang benar. sehingga bisa berimpact buat orang lain. Karna gw tau itu yang Tuhan mau didalam hidup gw.

it started out as a feeling, then it grows into hopes.

and those hopes leads you into constant daily prayers.

it started out as thoughts, then it grows into words..

and those words stated beautifully in poetries that you constantly creates.

it started out as admiring, then it grows into caring.

and those caring expressed in attentions and gifts that you want to constantly give…

it is amazing how your heart works.

it is amazing how you can do extraordinary things,

for your loved ones…

Conversations with Yenny, one of my best friends, have always been truly interesting conversations.

Yenny is the person i really treasure. She’s beautiful outside, but she’s sincere inside. if i have to describe her in one words, she’s a genuine…

The last conversation with Yenny, i share about about my worriness. My worriness about my prayer-life. how it has became empty and meaningless lately… without i even know the reason why…

i have tried to pray but it seems like the chemistry is not working anymore. it was like, i have no connection at all with my prayers. it’s like, my prayer falls on deaf ears.

I also share how that circumstances impacted my daily lives. Impacted my passion in relationships with others, my service to church and community, how i have no passion living my life day to day. But please dont get me wrong, It is not that i am ungrateful for my life. everything is perferct in my life i guess. i have a decent job. a good family. i have few guys that i am dating with, well, menandakan gw masih ada peminatnya juga.. hehe… but… it’s like… everything i do, is meaningless… passionless… i have become a robot in my daily lives. all things are meaningless…

And i told Yenny about all of these. and she said, yeah, it happends all the time kok mut. it seems like you’re now in the dessert…

but i told her i cannot take this anymore. i have to get God back.. i have to be in that mercy once again… but how?..

and Yenny’s responds… give me even more shock… she just… simply shook her head and say: i dont know Mut… i am in the situation also currently…

it kills me like crazy… because in my eyes, Yenny’s the perfect one! and she’s just the closest person to God that i ever known.
Then i wondered how cruel it is, when a stagnant activity can kill someone’s passion of life. stagnant activity yang usually happends in the office raea, especially banking. No wonder banyak orang kantoran yang akhirnya… i dont know how to say it… robotic?…

and I just cannot accept it. no! not for me and not for my friends.

dan barusan saja, di komputer, entah kenapa gw tergerak banget dengar lagu “mereka perlukan”… and just when i listen to that song, my heart was fluttering. Very Hard… setelah itu, i get down on my knees and pray… a very intimate pray.. a prayer that i present humbly from my fragile heart. and suddenly,, i feel that it does not falls on deaf ears… i feel that He’s hearing.

I pray for God to take me back to the mercy seats. i pray for Him to take away all this meaninglessness in me. and give me Him as my meaning of life.
from that song, from my stories, my friends sharings, i know that i’m not the one whose being in the circumstances. i believe there’s more in those business area, people who have the same feeling.

People who feels that their lives is nothing more than just.. robotic.

People who hungry and thirsty of meaning in their lives.

People who needs the touch that can renew their lives.

Renewal can be achieved by a new hobby,l a new job, a new love relationship, or, a renewed relationship with God.

As for me, i choose the renewed relationship with God… and yes, it has fulfilled me.

So this is my prayers… That God can touch every soul who feels robotic. That God can give them a new meaning. a new passion, in their robotic activities.

no matter how boring and how sucks their activities in their office, they can feel that they have meaning…

and i really wish God can hear and fulfill my prayers…

Friendship isn’t how you forget, but how you forgive…

Not how you listen but how you understand…

Not what you see but how you feel

and not how you let go but how you hold on…

SMILE is a source to win a heart.

SMILE is a name of a lovely mood.

smile reflects greatness in personality.

that’s the reason why i always smile.. i guess… ;p

why do we close our eyes when we pray,

when we cry, when we dream, when we kiss…

it is because the most beautiful things in life are unseen

and felt only by the heart…